Where Chester Lives

At the base of every tree there are roots. All trees have them, and all trees are reaching towards the sky, towards sunlight and nourishment. No tree can live without its roots, dug deep into the soil. This is why we, as people, identify so easily with trees, why we experience peace within the dappled shadows of their leaves, tucked into the folds of earth and mulch wrapped around where the trunk ends and the roots begin.

Every person, everywhere, has roots. Mine are here, in Kentucky.

It is always a strange experience when I am around people who knew me as a child. There are pieces of them that want to continue to interact with me on that level because of its familiarity and, in no small part, because dealing with me as an adult is an acknowledgement of time passing and growing old. We all have little reminders of aging in our daily lives, but it is shocking to be confronted with an adult face that you last saw as a child. I am an instant reminder of times past, and all conversation is based on reminisces.

There is always pain with the searching and finding of roots. The exposure of things past requires effort and work. Memories, unthought for many years, resurface. Especially of my father. This is the hardest part of my return here. Everywhere I go I see him and people who knew him. Wherever I am those who knew my dad are reminded of him again. Old sympathies are reflected in older faces, sadness dimming the corners of happy smiles. I have grown accustomed to living without these reminders of him, surrounded by friends who did not know him and know only me.

I am different in Kentucky.

There is happiness here, too. Friendship rekindled that spans the years of child to adult. And I would be a liar if I did not say that there is a measure of satisfaction in knowing how far I have stretched towards the sun since these people last saw me. Yet another benefit of this excavation: a true finding of your growth.

I am glad I'm here, but I'm not here for me. I'm here for my mom.

My mom lives with pain and discomfort. She is diabetic (as was her mother). She has undergone a double masectomy as she fought cancer, and so far, has won. Arthritis betrays her movement and her current disease is stealing her eyesight. With all of that, she lives daily with the loss of her husband. I enumerate this not to make you feel sorry for her. She has enough sorrow to share. I do this so that you can know her, and know why she is who she is. If you know me, you know that my relationship with her has not been the easiest all the time. It is fine now...well, mostly. I spent many years cycling between angry and indifferent. Angry because she does not allow me to grow up in her mind. Indifferent because she lives in her worry and sorrow, and I cannot do that.

I love her, too. I am who I am because of her. She gave me life and sustained me, even when times were very harsh. I remember her struggling to make supper for us as she fought against the terrible side affects of chemotherapy and radiation treatments. I remember her attempts to shield us as Dad deteriorated. I remember us being very poor, and she would make my clothes because it was cheaper than buying them at the dollar store.

Our relationship now is very different than it was then.

I sit here next to her as she slips in and out of sleep, the pre-op drugs taking effect. In some ways I am her reliance now. She is nervous about today, as anyone would be. She is tired of not being able to see clearly. She loves to read, and cannot.

Dear God, I hope this surgery helps her.

So, I'm doing something different when I travel to Kentucky tomorrow.  Something I haven't done in years.

I am not taking my laptop.

I know what you're thinking.  "That's just crazy talk, Coy!" Or, "How on earth will you survive??!?"  I know, I know.  It was a really tough decision, but it boils down to this:  I do not want to lug my laptop and all of its accoutrements to KY when I will, almost assuredly, not use it.  If I need to get on a computer that bad, I'll use my mom's.  But I am going to try and stay unwired, as much as is possible. 

I think these technology breaks, especially for someone in my line of work, are important.  Vital, even.  I get short breaks...times when I'm riding, for example.  But I haven't had a long break from a computer in...I can't remember.  Even when I go to the cabin I take my laptop with me and end up doing stuff on it.  It's like when I was in the Navy...we would spend so much time on watch, sleeping, working...we would forget to go outside once in a while (unless you smoked).  I remember going multiple weeks without sunlight, and when I finally went outside, felt very strange.  I got to the point where I had to remind myself to go outside and see the sea...and the sun, clouds, etc.  This is kind of reverse, though.  Instead of actively seeking something that I missed, I am actively seeking to remove something that I am constantly exposed to.  This should be cathartic.

I am looking forward to seeing my mom.  She has her quirks...we all do.  And she can drive me batty sometimes, as only mothers can.  But I love her, and appreciate how nervous she is about this eye surgery on Monday, so I will be with her.

Change of Subject:

I read a story the other day about these three kids who killed a homeless man, and the tag line was how their main influence to commit murder was video games.

Sickening.

I also read a long letter written by the step-mother of one of these boys (14 years old, i think) that was angry, upset, regretful...all the things you can imagine a woman in her position would be.  What it boils down to is this:  As a parent, she had tried everything; counseling, discipline, positive reinforcement, removal of privileges...if you can think of it, they tried it.  This child was just broken.  He was constantly in trouble for really serious things, like auto theft and assaulting handicapped peers.  The cops would always pick him up and bring him home.  He would accuse them of abuse (he was 6-2, 200 pounds, and she was 5-4, 115 or something like that), which would always get him out of trouble and focus the authorities on his parents.  I am not belittling the problems of child abuse, and neither was this woman.  Authorities have to respond to things like that as soon as they here them.  What they don't do, however, is follow through.  If this kid had been incarcerated for his previous lawlessness and violence, he would not have had the opportunity to commit murder.

And, here's a news flash: video games did not make him do it.  I am not pro-violent video games, so don't walk away with that message.  And I do think that exposure to violence, regardless of the medium (movies, tv, news, video games, etc), desensitizes us to its effects.  But the media chooses to report the video game link, and walk away from the bigger, more truthful story, which is that this child was completely gone, and the reason we have a penal code and laws is to protect the larger portion of society from monstrous acts, and that this system, in this specific case, broke down and did not help.

Another thing the media is not reporting is that this kid has an older brother raised in the same environment by the same parents with the same influences, and he isn't a vicious murderer.  In fact, he is struggling to save money so he can get his degree in architecture.

I'm not going to go on...I think the ESRB does a laudible job of rating video games, and us parents need to pay attention to what are kids are ingesting.  The responsibility to raise my children does not belong to any industry, it belongs to me. I take that very seriously.

Ok, I lied.  I did go on.

That's all for today.  Next post will be when I get back for Kentucky. 

"At work I just take time, And all through my coffee break-time, I say a little prayer for you."

*As the butterfly emerges from the cocoon...*

It's been a while, I know. I would say that life has been busy, offer up some kind of excuse...but that isn't really why. There have been things going on that were potentially impactful, and I really WANTED to blog about it, but I couldn't. And I still can't. It isn't anything bad...just not for public consumption, capiche? I'm not going to lie and say it hasn't been busy, either. It has been an absolutely crazy three weeks, and emotionally I have been all over the map on this one. I finally received closure yesterday, and it wasn't exactly what I wanted to happen, but I'm not completely wiped out. And that is all I am going to alude.

So, here is what's going on now.

I am flying to Kentucky on Saturday to be with my mom. She is undergoing eye surgery on the following Monday, February 26th, and is incredibly nervous about it. If you know my mom, you know she has a tendency towards worry anyway...and eye operations are no small thing. Anyways, this allows me to spend a few days with her, help out with a couple of things, and if I'm lucky, I may get to see some peeps back there that I haven't seen in a while.

Oh, remember how I said I was obsessed with getting a guitar? I ordered one! An amp, too! I can't wait to start practicing...I know that it isn't easy, but I have musical blood, I think . My brother is very talented, my daughters play multiple instruments...and I've wanted to play guitar since I first heard a guitar...it was always a question of money, or time, or both. I expect that it will arrive on my doorstep while I'm in Kentucky, and then I will be picking...and grinning. At the same time, even.

In other news, Anne got her braces removed last Wednesday. You won't believe the difference in her...she's all smiles all the time now. And she was really pretty before, but...well, WOW. I'll take some pics and post them. As celebration, Teresa took her to Maad Tea Party for lunch and I made her a gooie dessert for after dinner. She got her retainers today...which are different beasts than they were a few years ago. These are clear plastic impressions of her teeth, not the wire/palette thingie that I thought it was going to be. You can't hardly see them when she has them on. She has to wear the bottom one all the time except when eating, and the top one while sleeping. She's a happy camper.

So...I could post tons more, and I will later, but I need to work now. Suffice it to say that I'm alive and kicking, and life, while being a bit topsy-turvy the past three weeks, is still pretty good.