Where Chester Lives

Not sure what category to put this under..Religion? Geeking Out? Introspect? I think it's some of all of those.

If God Wrote Code..

• It would be bug-free. No patches, no service packs.
• 1.0, which means that one release would have every feature required. And, as new requirements were found, the software would already have this feature implemented.
• User Interface. The software would work the right way and feel the right way, regardless of the user.
• Everything. Regardless of the application, the software would solve the problem.
• Adaptive. My install and your install might be very different, because the software would know us, know what the requirements are, and install itself according. It would also change with us. And change us over time to be more like Him.
• We don't have to use it. But using it makes us better.

In two words: BRU-TAL.

I spent all of last week at the RSA conference. Now, I've gone to tradeshows before, but this is the first time that i've been on the other side of the booth. Talk about hard work. I spent most of each day standing, and I was tasked with setup and teardown (along with my sales guy). By Friday, my feet, calves, and lower back were in open rebellion and were making plans to secede from the union. It was a good show, though. I talked to alot of customers and spent a good amount of time hanging with our product management guys. It's surprising how many boxes we have installed in the field...more people know about us than I originally thought. But not enough people know about us so...BUY A FIREWALL! Please...my daughters need new shoes.

Okay, if you are a tech person, then you probably know about Twitter. I have toyed with this idea, but in the end, it really seems like a technorati kind of thing. Honestly, it smacks of elitism. Even the language leads in that direction. For example, if you choose to read what I twitter, then I get to call you a "follower." Yeesh. I listen to TWiT and watch Cranky Geeks, and people on those shows talk about it all the time. But, here's the thing. It is so much a tempest in a teapot. I think, largely, that real people don't use this thing. In all honesty, I don't think people are so enthralled with what I have to say that they have to know what's going on THIS VERY MINUTE, which is exactly what Twitter is all about. Besides...it will be owned by a large company soon, and then it will succumb to the advertising engine that is on the internet, and then all of the twits on Twitter will whine and moan, and dream about the good old days.

that's all I have time for. Tune in next time, when we find out what happens to Bobby, who fell down that well.

Okay, America. I am putting you on notice. If you don't stop the following annoying things, I may have to take away your after-dinner cookie privileges.

Ringtones

We've talked about this before, but it bears mentioning again. I really don't care to hear your favorite song, or mine, for that matter, as your ringtone. It is most annoying. Your cell phone is a PHONE. It should ring...quietly. Vibrate is even better. Anything else is just noise pollution.

Turn Signal

There is a lever located on the left side of your steering wheel inside of your car (I know...shocking, isn't it?). When you push this lever up, towards the sky, it turns on a blinking light located externally on the right side of your car, both front and rear, that notifies other drivers that your are turning right. When you push it down, towards the ground, it notifies other drivers that you are turning left by enabling a blinking light similar to the one mentioned above, but located on the left side of the car. when you push it back to its center position, it turns off all blinking lights and other drivers will assume that you are continuing forward without turning. Not only is it good manners to use this fun and informative feature, it is required by law in all fifty states. PLEASE USE IT. Thank you.

Your Car Stereo

This one's easy...TURN IT DOWN. I don't want to hear your garbled music and all of your sheet metal vibrating in your 1983 Corolla. Better yet, save the money you would have spent on the subwoofer and amp at Best Buy and, instead, take a college course, or put it towards music lessons, or feed the hungry. You'll feel better, and so will I.

Common Courtesy

Please, if you are sitting in front of someone tall on an airplane, don't put your seat back. It makes an already uncomfortable position even worse. And, if you do, don't be shocked when you feel our knees in your lower spine. It's not because we want to push against your seat, its because you have given us tall folks no other option. We are all stuck on this plane together...let's be nice to each other, m'kay?

Blue Tooth Headsets

Unless you are actively engaged in a conversation, take it off. You look ridiculous. And, you don't have to yell. I really don't want to know about your battle with foot fungus, or your love life, or what you need to bring home for dinner.

Speaking of cell phones...

It is just plain RUDE to call someone and talk to them while you should be engaged in doing something else, like paying for your groceries. Talk to the REAL people that exist in your physical space that you are interacting with. It will not kill you to call that person back after you get finished with your current task. You aren't that important...trust me, I know. The only reason to take the call is if you are a doctor and lives are at stake.

Smile

This is really simple, and will go a long way towards making your day better. When you encounter other people, smile. It is pleasant, and in times of need, people are more likely to help you if you are kind and friendly. It isn't hard to do this. At least, it's no harder to do this than it is to scowl at the rest of the world. This helps even if you are having a bad day. If you smile at people, they will smile back. Try it...it really does work. Unless you're initials are TL and you live in Wisconsin...you scare people when you smile (just kidding, T. You know I love you, man).

Buy Clothes That Fit

Guys...I really don't care if you are wearing boxers or briefs, so you don't need to show them to me. The waist size on the tag should closely match the circumference of your actual waist. They should fit comfortably, and if they are slightly too large, then use a belt. Girls, shirts and pants that are two sizes too small are NOT attractive. I know you have it tough, what with society telling you that 'abnormally thin=pretty'. Believe it or not, most people don't agree with that. If you wear clothes that fit, it is more flattering, which actually increases your attractiveness. Also, the shirt should cover the waist completely, even if you have to bend over to pick up a dropped object. I will not elaborate further, since I am striving to be gentlemanly.

Okay...follow these simple guidelines and your life will be enriched. And, more importantly, so will mine.

Enough snarkiness...back to work. Oh, and feel free to add your own grievances in the comments.